I know I have this really bad habit of self-sabotage. It has not reared it’s ugly head in a while; but it happened two weekends ago.
My newly married cousin and her husband had come up to Joburg to say goodbye to her dad and father-in-law at the airport as he was flying back to Taipai. They planned to stay the Saturday night with my sister and her husband in Alberton. Brandon went to the rugby with Dale as he had hired a box for the Sharks vs Lions game at Ellis park for his company. Rowena and Bianca and I were going to do something together.. Until Dale said that I couldn’t sleep over cos of their security concerns. That kinda put a damper on everything. I didn’t wanna go all the way there and then have to drive back on my own in the middle of the night. So I decided not to go at all.
Despite them trying to make a plan later involving me bringing my blowup mattress; it was an after thought – I felt like the afterthought; so I stayed at home and did some work instead. My cousin did try persuade me but to no avail. I was upset and had an early night. They went to Flyboyz at Rand Airport and apparently had a good time. My sister spent the next day in bed the whole day so it must have been fun.
So I felt serious FOMO and I was hurt. Truth be told it was mean of them, but also my fault by being stubborn and not making an effort. I felt afterwards that I just made excuses and justified my behaviour.
It probably stems from a fear of rejection but mostly my incredibly low self esteem. Not that I am an expert in this or anything so my self diagnosis might be a bit off.
Hopefully one day I will look back at all this and wonder what the hell was wrong with me and why I didn’t do something about it sooner so that I could start being happier and start living sooner.